Already a month has passed...

I was reminded this week that with parenthood, "the days are long but the years are short." Only a month in and I can't believe how true it is. The days have been run into each other in a blur of feedings, naps and diaper changes. And now my little man is almost a month old. I'll have to do a photo shoot today or tomorrow.

Already, Henry has changed so much. He's crying less, and occasionally awake without being hungry (hallelujah)! Yesterday he smiled for me, which was absolutely thrilling! His tear ducts are starting to produce tears. His little cheeks are chunking up (oh so cute). And, last night he slept for six hours, what an angel baby. Just in the past week I feel like I'm really starting to fall in love with him. Not that I didn't before, but it's just becoming more intense and, dare I say, obsessive.

The drama for the past week has involved Henry and his weight gain. At birth he was 7lb 3oz, and at hospital discharge he was 6lb 13oz. A couple days later when we went to the pediatricians office he was 7lb 4oz already and I was thrilled! I figured I had this breastfeeding thing nailed and relaxed about it. We had a lot of eager helping hands at home, which was good because it seemed like Henry was often fussy. Well, when we went to the doctor's office the following week, Henry was only 7lb 7oz. I had already seen the lactation consultant and she said our latch looked great and Henry had a strong suck. So, our pediatrician recommended that I get a breast pump and pump after I feed Henry to boost my supply.

We ordered the pump online a couple days later, but I didn't worry too much about Henry's weight. I figured he had such a big gain to begin with he was evening out. Well, when we went in for a weight check the following week he again only gained 3 oz (as opposed to the 5-7 oz he should be gaining). Now, I needed to feed Henry, give him an ounce of formula or expressed breast milk, and then pump for 10 minutes! It turns out my supply had decreased, probably because Henry didn't have the stamina to suck for longer than 5-7 minutes per side and because we were misinterpreting his hungry cues as other problems and soothing him to sleep when he needed to eat.

So, I finally started pumping. Which I truly hated to begin with, and I could only get a few drops at a time. So, we had to give Henry formula. I tried to make it a fun thing and take pictures while Tom fed Henry, but I couldn't shake a nagging feeling of failure. I had always wanted to breastfeed exclusively, and only imagined using formula as a choice if I wanted extra sleep or to go out and do something on my own away from Henry. I had certainly never anticipated using formula as a medical necessity to help my son grow. We had a weight check after two days and Henry was up to 7lbs 13.5oz. Good for Henry, but I felt like it was because of the formula not because I had done a good job.

We had an exhausting weekend since I felt like I was feeding times three. But Henry was a much happier baby-- he was barely even crying! I felt awful that we were starving our son and didn't even know it. But, I was still resenting every bottle of formula and encouraging Tom to only feed him the minimal amount from the bottle. I was afraid Henry wouldn't want to eat at the breast if he was full of formula, and I couldn't make more milk for him if he didn't ask for it.

Then came Monday and Henry had a growth spurt day. He was feeding at the breast from 10am-noon straight taking breaks only for a couple diaper changes. I couldn't believe he stayed awake the whole time, and I figured it was great for my supply. I switch fed him from one side to the other until he was fussing on both sides because my milk was too slow and then finally gave him over to Tom for a bottle of formula. Even though he had been eating for two hours from me he still sucked down a full two ounces and still wanted more-- I was just crushed and completely broke down. I couldn't shake the feeling that the formula was sabotaging our breastfeeding efforts. And, despite knowing otherwise, I felt like my inability to satisfy Henry at the breast said something about me as a mother. I was devastated.

That night Henry slept for two four hour stretches and it truly felt like a brand new day. I was able to express enough to replace one formula bottle, which made me feel better. And Henry was in such a good mood. He slept soundly for much of the day, and we went to visit my coworkers at the library. And yesterday, he was still quite happy and awake more than he has been since he was born. Seeing how much happier he is when he's well-fed and seeing him plump up a bit has me feeling so much better. I just need to remember he's still getting the benefits of breastmilk and my supply is getting better day by day. And, it's not the end of the world if we have to buy some formula from here on out to keep him fed-- at least it's an option.

Well, that's my super long post on breastfeeding, which has to end now because Henry needs to eat again (surprise, surprise)!

Our New Arrival

The last couple weeks were tough with anxiety and waiting, and now it seems like it was ages ago I was pregnant! (When really it was less than a week ago).

Henry Julian 7lbs 30z

We're back from the hospital already, and getting used to each other. We had a rough night the first night home, but I hear that's normal. Milk came in today so it's making him much happier- which makes mommy and daddy happier, too.

Happy Mother's Day

17 days until baby's due date! The not knowing when exactly is killing me though. Every time I leave work I try to clean up my desk a bit, but I keep going back! It feels like baby is dropping (and doc agrees), but that could mean anything from a few days to a few weeks. Last week I was having a few contractions, but this week nothing. I keep expecting my water to break or contractions to start and I'm still waiting. Everything's been going to perfectly this whole pregnancy, I wouldn't be surprised if baby comes pretty close to his due date, but we still don't know.

We went ahead and got a used glider rocker this week. It stills feels like there are things we need, but it's hard to know which are impending needs and which can wait.

I guess I'm still feeling pretty good. No heartburn (yay)! But, I'm exhausted on and off and taking as many naps as I feel like. My back bothers me on and off as well, and naturally getting up and turning over in bed is hard work. Although when he's rolling around and bumping me I don't seem to mind the discomforts so much. Tom's been doing a good job helping out around the house which helps a lot.

So, we continue to wait...

Happy Birthday To Me

Today's my birthday, yay! It's amazing how unimportant it seems with other things looming in our future, though. As shocking as it is, baby and I will be full-term on Wednesday! So, Tom and I went out and got our car seat and stroller this week so we at least have those. And, we have a load of baby clothes and blankets in the wash right now.

We did have lots of other things going on this week. Tom had his 3rd year review which he successfully passed, so he's okay to continue his work. I went to the CLA (Connecticut Library Association) conference on Thursday. The conference was interesting but left me exhausted, and I'm only starting to feel a little rejuvenated this afternoon. I'm hoping after three exhausted days I'm due for a few good days here. Although I was super emotional today so Tom's thinking the baby is coming this week! My bet's on the week of the 20th so we'll see who gets bragging rights.

Spring Has Sprung

Happy Belated Easter!

To celebrate Easter Tom and I went to church in the morning. Then, we bundled up in winter coats and hats and took a walk on the very windy West Haven Beach. It was nice to get out though and see the water. Then we had baked chicken for dinner, and I made a cake. So, fairly uneventful but we tried to make it special.

I went to the dentist this week and got my teeth cleaned. I love clean teeth! The hygenist and dentist though were both telling me how small I looked for how far along I am. Funny- I don't feel "small"! I also had a couple coworkers shocked this week when I mentioned it was only 6 weeks until my due date.

With time getting short I'm actually getting around to getting a lot of things done that I've been putting off for awhile. I've had the yarn to knit up a baby hat for months, but was having trouble just getting started with it. After a couple false starts I'm finally plugging along on it, and it's turning out pretty cute. I also got my hair trimmed this week and got an oil change on the car. The haircut was fine, the oil change I was a little disappointed.

I went ahead and took the car into a Firestone for the oil change, and it felt like just the oil change was a little overpriced. But, I asked when I went in if they could "fit me in". I guess I should've been more specific and asked if they could fit me in "now". I waited 30-45 minutes before they even took my car in to the shop. And, pregnant lady on uncomfortable chairs was none too pleased.

When they finally finished with my car they told me that the clunking that I had been informed by a couple mechanics was just a normal part of my Chevy Malibu was actually dangerous. It was a malfunctioning steering shaft that could leave me without steering at any time if it goes! They said the factory wasn't recalling the part but recommended replacement. About, $300 "which isn't that much as far as car repairs go". Ha! (As if I don't know that.) But, $300 for an unecessary repair sure as heck isn't in our budget right now. I bet they didn't even notice the problem, it was just flagged in their computer system as a potential repair to offer.

When I left the shop I noticed they hadn't reset the oil life in the computer so I had to go back. Thankfully it didn't take long, but I was still a little annoyed. Then on the way home I noticed a burning rubber smell at the stoplights and really strong smelling in the garage once I got home. It's been going away as I drive more, but I think they must have spilled some oil. Tom and I looked in the engine and didn't see anything like a loose cap or forgotten rubber gloves. I was a little uncomfortable though that's it's difficult to see our belt from the top looking down. On the Taurus it was right there to see, but it's underneath a bunch of stuff in the Malibu so we couldn't check that. Tom did notice though that we were very low on windshield wiper fluid. That really ticked me off! That's part of an oil change is that they top off all your fluids!

So, guess who won't be getting my repeat business? I sure miss my shop right by my old library. I told Tom he needs to check with people who have cars and find out where they get their work done because I don't want to be stuck with a shop I don't like when something really goes wrong. Otherwise, all is well out here. Anxiety is beginning to mount, especially for Tom. At least I know at any given moment that I'm not having contractions. Tom says he's beginning to jump every time the phone rings and I'm not home.

It's a gorgeous weekend here in Connecticut. We've had windows open and are thinking of going out for a walk later today. The cat can't get enough of the open windows and birds!

And the Spring Ants Return

Another Spring, and the ants are back! We must have a nest right outside our front door. No matter what Tom plugs up they still seem to come back. Last year Tom caulked around the front door and that seemed to keep them out. But, this year they somehow squirreled in through a crack in a tile by the front door, which Tom caulked. And today we saw some again. So, Tom will inspect outside in the daylight, but we'll probably need to get some ant poison to go outside. I don't know what they're eating inside because they're not in the pantry or the cabinets. I found a bunch under some old root beer bottles, but we've since gotten rid of those-- determined little buggers.

We had a few lovely days this week in between the rain which has helped to cheer me up tremendously. So, aside from lingering anxiety about upcoming irreversible changes to our lives, things are going well. Baby's growing quickly. It felt like he grew an entire pound last Thursday night the way my back and body were complaining Friday. But, I've since adjusted as well as can be expected. Apparently, he's the size of a large jicama. Which looks like this-- I guess. Again, I don't eat jicama. Last week he was the size of four oranges. Next week he'll be the size of a pineapple. At least I know those! Knowing we're eight weeks away is mind-boggling. It feels like we have so much left to do, but a lot of it has to wait until he's here. All my good eating habits from the first trimester and a half have flown out the window. I just don't feel like expending energy on cooking and frankly, all I want is junk. At least my weight gain is steady at this point, and it's comforting to know most of what I'm gaining is actually baby weight considering how quickly he's growing. Sometimes I can feel a solid bump against my hand when I rest it on my belly, and I'm fairly certain it's his little bottom. Then, I think about how big that bottom is already and get a little nervous about how that little bottom is going to get out. But, really, what's the point in thinking about that? It's going to happen and it won't be pleasant, but then it will be over and I can forget all about it.

Tom and I went down to my new library this afternoon. They have a Sunday Showcase series and this week they were featuring a family group that peformed folk music. I'm a sucker for anything with a banjo and a fiddle, and Tom seemed to enjoy himself, too. I started tapping my belly in rhythm with one of the songs, and baby danced a bit to the music. (We'll call it "danced" as opposed to "tried to get away" or "tried to plug his ears").

In a Funk

Well, we're 31 weeks now! I'm still blown away by the fact that my sister was born at 32 weeks, and I'm almost there. I have a ton of appointments and things set up for April already. Hopefully most of the business will get taken care of, and then we can have a nice quiet May to settle in and wait.

Although nice and quiet doesn't sound that great right now. I have a ton of little hobby things I could work on, but I haven't been. So, I'm feeling underwhelmed and in a rut in general. And, unfortunately, lacking in motivation to start things as well. Cooped up and uncomfortable would probably sum up how I feel. Certainly, the rainy day today isn't helping either.

Another thing that isn't helping are the disappointing sermons at church lately. I've never been entirely satisfied with our church choice here, but it's so convenient to walk to church every Sunday. Two Sundays ago we got some political rhetoric from the pulpit about the proposed Bill 1098, which had something to do with targeting the Catholic church's finances and who controls them. Not that we got any of the facts mind you, instead we were forced to watch a video of the archbishop at a rally and all the wonderful things the Catholic church does and how dare the government target us. For actual background on the issue you can see this article "Catholic Church Battle Intensifies At State Capitol", but it's no longer under consideration. Then, we had to watch a second video on the Archbishop's Annual Appeal. Oh so spiritually satisfying.

This week we had a visiting priest who was a chaplain in the army for 30 years. His homily was extremely disjointed, jumping from topic to topic with nothing really to connect the thoughts. Most of the homily was snippets about how priests fight for our souls while soldiers fight for our freedom. And, I was extremely frustrated when he threw in something about how heaven has different levels for people based on how good they are on earth. Where in the bible is that? If he had discussed that idea I think it would've been a much more interesting homily. I would've liked to hear him articulate why there are "heaven levels" when I distinctly remember something about the first being last and the last being first.

I was talking with Tom a bit about it on the way home, and he mentioned that the problem is probably that we see church as an intellectual thing, and for some priests it's more about us coming and filling our spiritual gas tanks. I suppose that's true, but I think it's sad when I get more out of the blurbs discussing the readings in the missalette than I get from my priests in homilies.